1993 Poems are now up!

I have updated my Blackout Writings Blog.

Feel free to read them and comments if you like.

Opps!

Comments now working over on the Blackout Writings Blog.

Sorry if you tried to leave a comment and couldn't.

New Poems Up!

I have posted writings from 1992 on my Blackout Writings Blog.

Feel free to read them and comments if you like.

You may have noticed...

I'm changing the look of this blog frequently. It's only because I don't know what look to have it as, and I'm too lazy at the moment to create my own.


If you like one I have up better then the rest you have seen let me know.

I need to get healthy...

I have my 3rd and final epidural shot on Jan 2nd. Then after that physical therapy for the 10th time.

I've decided that it's time to get into some form of shape and health. I know I'll never get back to how I was in the military but getting half way back wold be such an improvement from where I'm at now that I can see that as an exceptable goal.


Oh and if you wondering why I am thinking of this... A person I know just had a baby 3 months ago and she's already back to how she was before being preggers. Also I'm kinda upset that I let my self get this way in the first place.

All Done...

Well I have managed to get all my CDs back into my my computer. Well on a new portable hard drive I just bought for myself. I still need to get all the music back that I have gotten from the internet, but that's not that hard to do.

So far in total 1278 Songs, 3.1 days, 6.13 GB... I know that's not really a lot considering what I've seen on other people's computers but it did take me about 30 hours to get all those dam CDs into my computer!

What's nice about that portable drive is that it's USB powered so I can take it to work and listen to all my music there as well ! So nice to do since my music is about the only thing that gets me through the day there.

Wrting from 1991 are now available

I have posted writings from 1991 on my Blackout Writings Blog.

Feel free to read them and comments if you like.

I joined Last.fm

Hey, join my friends on Last.fm so we see what music we're listening to and share discoveries.

You get your own music charts, personal recommendations, radio, and more.

My Last.fm name is: Lanacan
This is what I’m listening to

Click here to join for free,
or learn more.

Year 1990 is now available to read!

I have put up the extent of year 1990 up at my Blackout Writings blog.

Please feel free to go over there and read what I wrote that year.

So much for Text America...

I logged in to edit some x-mas pics I took with my phone yesterday on my aoa.textamerica.com photoblog and I get this:

Notice to all textamerica users :

Effective December 31st at 9 PM (EST) textamerica can no longer support free users. Current unpaid members have until this time to upgrade their account or archive their images. Current paid members have or until November 30, 2007 to save or otherwise archive their images.

Textamerica was the original moblog community and if you supported or used the community in a positive way we thank you.

To upgrade to keep my textamerica account costs $99.99 and you can see that's not even good for more than a year! What utter fucking crap!

This sucks, I had 150 pics there and now I have to find a new home and place I can upload them too (I do have a photo bucket account... will see if I can do it there).

Happy Holidays!

I know this is a day late for x-mas, but I hope that everyone had a great holiday and got everything you wanted on your lists!

Wow...just wow

Andy Mckee is a great musician, I will definitely try to find s cd of his.

All of my poems from 1989 are now up!

I spent the morning placing all 33 poems I wrote in 1989 up on my other Blog - Blackout Writings.

Feel free to check them out, just don't laugh too hard at my first attempts to write poetry. In the end I think they were more like song lyrics... either way, it was a start of something that was a big part of my life at that time and for years afterwards.

Kick Ass!

Choose High Def option:

http://video.vividas.com/CDN1/5029_paramount/en/web/

Ok... creativity gone too far....

Check out this sight : http://www.tamponcrafts.com/.

I just about choked when I saw the "Heart Earings" Picture... lol

Blackout Writing is now Online!

Check out my other blog for my writings.

I'll be posting content on it soon.


Click here to view!

This makes me cry laughing every single time.

Reality TV in Japan

Click link and laugh plain and simple!

South Park Personality

12 Priests

Twelve priests were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted,
nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached
to his weenie and they were told that
anyone whose bell rang when she
danced in front of them would not be
ordained because he had not reached
a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before
the first candidate, with no reaction.

She proceeded down the line with
the same response from all the
priests until she got to the final
priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos.

As she danced, his bell began to ring
so loudly that it flew off, clattering
across the ground and laid to rest in
nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled
to where the bell came to rest. He bent
over to pick it up....

Then all the other bells started to ring.

Sexual Roleplaying

ROTF So this is my problem!!

I stole this post form my friend Rob's blog (. RaNdoM . tHoUGhTs .)

Emo post of the day....

Life sucks then you die...

/wrist



Ever have one of those bad days where you brain is full full of stuff that you don't know what to do... yesterday and today are that for me...

I'm sorry if I don't give details, but I've never planed on getting that personal here.

Donut?

You Are a Glazed Donut

Okay, you know that you're plain - and you're cool with that. You prefer not to let anything distract from your sweetness. Your appeal is understated yet universal. Everyone dig you. And in a pinch, you'll probably get eaten.

What Donut Are You?

Missing Old and Not So Old Friends

I was thinking over the weekend about some old friends and how we've lost touch with each other over the years. I realize that you can't always keep your friends close to you due to how life is at times but that never stops one from missing them and wondering what they are currently up to. However there is also the times for whatever reason you end up turning your back on friend you need the most when you are hurting inside. I have recently realized that I've done just that.

Today I was taking with someone I haven't spoken to in a few months and realized that I've turned my back on a lot of people that cared about me because of internal/social problems that I have. To those I want to say I'm sorry. I have no excuse outside of my sudden urge to lock myself away from everyone due the depression that I now know I had and currently getting help to battle with.

I realize that I can't fix the past but I can work to have a better future and that I hope that what ever damage I've done to our friendship can be repaired.

So to all the people that have wondered what has happened to me, I'm still here, I'm still alive and I'm looking to get on with my life and rebuild the friendships I've once had in hopes of being with you all once again. This will be a long hard road for me and I know I will falter from time to time, but I know that you all are there as you've said in the past for me and I just want to say thank you.

Funny Cat pic of the Day...

OMG! That frikken hurt!

Yesterday was my second of three epidural steroid shots for my back pain. Last time it was done it I just did the local anesthesia and it was a quick in and out prcidure with only about 2 seconds worth of pain. No biggy.

So yesterday I was thinking it was going to be the same thing. So when I get there the nurse asks me what happened and how the pain in my back was since the fist shot. I tell her that I still had a lot of pain and that the shot only lasted about a week as well as having the same numbness issues down my right leg like I've had for a long time.

So just as I get into the procedure room the doctor tells me instead of doing a lateral epidural (in the middle of my spine to effect pain on both sides of my back) they are going to do a transference epidural. This means that instead of getting next to the nerve column like they do with the lateral epidural and just inject the steroid there, they are going to go through my right nerve trunk that goes into my right leg then inject the steroid.

I think to myself. No biggy can't hurt much worse than the last one I got... HOLY F*$&#ING WRONG!! It hurt so bad that I just about cried! due to the angle they had to place the needle (btw the first needle they used was too short!! so they had to start over with a longer one!!) i could feel pain at ever push the doctor did in between the x-ray pictures they took to guild the needle by. I'm highly tolerant to pain due to the 15+ years I've had this back problem but Jeebus H Christ that frikken hurt!

The worst thing is that I'm in more pain now due the them having to go through all the muscle on my back than I was when I went in for the shot. Not even my normal pain killers are working at the moment. I barley got any sleep last night...ugh. Luckily though I I do have a prescript to fill today that will help. It's not for my current pain but to help with the the frequent numbness in my right leg. The doctor warned me though that for the first few days only to take it at night because it will put me to sleep until my body gets use to it then i get to take it twice a day! lol

Wild thoughts

Ever have one of those crazy days where your brain just runs and runs with random thoughts.

Well that's a pretty normal thing for me. My brain runs at a 100 mph normally. However today things are going faster than normal. What's taking place and the thoughts I keep rehashing remind me of something I once wrote.

I don't know what it means for me to start thinking of all my old poems and such and having them relate to what is happening in my life now..maybe if a person reading this blog might have a little insight on it please feel free to share.

Thanks -- oh by the way here is the poem:


My Ghost

Flowing and blowing. My thoughts cramp and crack in concentration of things that seem to be out of reach. Thoughtless forms loom around me. Repeating in whispers my mistakes. With every mistake there is another waiting for me. They follow me like ghosts that have found their perfect haunt.

Loss of motivation...

I'm sitting here thinking to myself as I post a few old poems and a funny cat picture that I really need to find some form of motivation to get moving in my life.

I mean I use to be a very prolific writer. Now besides this blog and a personal journal (for therapy...had to see someone about my high anxiety/depression) I've not been able to write creatively. It honestly sucks to feel this way about not being able to write. Writing use to be one of my greatest releases for tension and stress. I use to write stuff out in stories or poems/lyrics and it would just melt away. Now it stays bottled up and I can't get it out.

I've tried a few things to date to help get the creative thoughts flowing and my pen moving again but nothing has worked so far. I've tried to blog (here and other places), write a journal or diary, therapy and even just plain old sit there and force some thing out (which I don't recommend at all).

I guess time will tell if I get my spark back. I justhope it's soon.

I'm smart!

Poems Part 3

I thought I would take this time to move forward another year with my poems from 1991. I only wrote 11 poems that year and I think it was due to not much going on around me for a change.

Here are a few of them, enjoy. Please feel free to leave comments if you like.

(I know these are not the greatest, but I thin in time you see how I improve my style more.)

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DRIDERS

turn off the light
and sleep, sleep
it will be all over
as soon as day breaks the night

pull up the covers
and dream, dream
don’t worry anymore
of the terrors of the night

put your head down
and close your eyes
it will soon end again
when you’re not afraid of the night

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Untitled #2

How can you kill someone for pleasure
And blame it all on music
Or say it was someone else inside you

Parents go around and listen to it all
They listen to it all backwards
Seeming to hear it all evil

How can you condemn it all for your ideas
And change the world
For what you think is right

Take a look inside your self
To find the real truth
Outside of your fanatical ideas

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Take me away

I’ve seen enough shit
To last a lifetime till I die
What can be done except to put it all aside
With other memories you have no more time for
In that box of toys that are broken to pieces because you didn’t try to fix them to make your life better
For your self and your friends on this little growing world

Take my sight away

I’ve seen to much shit
To give a dam anymore
I’ve got to leave it all behind
Packed in a box and be shipped away to a place far from here
So I don’t have to look at the broken pieces of friends that are long since pasted away to a better life than this

Its all bull shit anyway

Can’t you see it’s all about you and me
It’s about what we do and what we can do to stop this
Stupidity from spreading to our brothers and sisters in the this small little world

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Vanity II

It is a thing I call vanity
When beauty calls for you
You will pay a high price
To be the one to shine

Can’t you see
It’s nothing really new
But it would be nice
If you could get what’s mine

Mascara and makeup
Are just killing the true you
And you have paid the price
To look like you were nine

You take all the riches
That are brought to you
You find jewelry nice
Because they make you shine

But it’s all just a front
To put you on the top
But someday soon
You will have to face the truth

Let it snow!

I only wish we would get 3 feet of this!

Remeber Kids...

More poems!

In continuing with what I started let's move on to the next year, 1990.


I think my skills improved a bit, I wrote a total of 30 poems that year. Some of them however were reworks form the previous year though.

Here are a few of them, enjoy.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Walden Woods

I walked through these wood over and over
Light flashes through the trees
Leaves crunch beneath my feet as I watch colors go by

I sit and write it all down
As birds lull my head to the ground
Were I must lay
My head again and again

Now I can’t let it die
Can’t let it all be torn down
Now it has been hear for a very long time
What’s wrong with you
It’s all I have now
Why can’t you just live here in peace

With out tearing it down

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Too Close

Stepping closer and closer
To each other’s way of life
Trying to live for the other
Even when it’s not right

Going to and fro
From homes of ice
To home of fire
But still we never get burned

To close to each other
We almost touched
To close to each other
Se almost spoke
To close to each other
We almost tried to communicate

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Remember

A tear drops onto the floor
As so many thoughts run through my mind
Of things we shared
Of things gone by

I stop and think of what went wrong
I stop and think of what it was
That kept us all
That stopped us all
From growing stronger between ourselves

You’ve gone away now
And I can’t see you
But in my mind and my heart
You’ll be there to the end of time

I stop and think of it all
I stop and think of it all
Till it all goes away

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

LISTEN

Voices that come my way
A blurry message seem fade
I try to communicate
But it won’t come clear

Try and pay attention to it
But I can’t come in contact
With what it has to say
To me and you

Listen-
We all have a message
We all must talk aloud
To say what we must to feel proud
Random voices are always frayed
To many things for me to see
I can’t understand anymore
Of what they have to say

Listen-
We all have a message
We all must talk aloud

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mislayings

Why can’t you see
Why can’t you hear

You played you charades
With your so called friends
But they have always seen through
You little stuck-up disguise

You knew it was coming
But you didn’t change it
Well now look at you
Here’s your reward for all you’ve done

There was a big bang
Then your mind slipped
You took the easy way out of it
And now you’re gone

Now there is no more you
And we can’t live with it
Because you could have asked
For us to hear it out

But I still have one question for you
Why was there a change of idea
In such a perfect life

OMG Poor Kid!

Funny Cat pic of the day

I guess he didn't want his paws to get full of snow...

My X-Mas List

If any of you out there are feeling extra generous this year here is my x-mas list:

Online Christmas List

Just do a search for "Lanacan" to find it.

Music catch up

I love music...well I love the music I like. There is music out there I can't stand, but that is neither here nor there.

Ok...on to the point, I've known for some time now that I'm seriously lacking in keeping up to date with the music I like. So being that it's close to x-mas and I can't think of anything else I want for x-mas I decided to put some cds I wanted up on my wish list at amazon.com (yes, I use amazon for music, it's just easy for people to buy from).

Surprisingly almost all of the bands I could think of at the time were available there. What makes it a surprise is that I do not listen to big mainstream bands, a lot of the stuff I listen to is form Chicago, DC, or local based bands.

In my search I come across a cd by a band I wanted to check out a long time ago but always forgot to get their cd. The band's name was 'antarctica'. I must say I like them. They remind me of some 80's bands but they are still good.

They released an EP and Full length CDs, but sadly only the full length is available now (they came out in 1998/1999...told you I was behind!!).

Get some more info on them here:
http://www.file-13.com/artists/artist.php3?id=antarctica

I'm sooo jealous....

Picture says it all....

Old Poems

I was just organizing my thumb drive so that I could put some work files onto it. I was side tracked by some old poems I came across.


I started writing in 1989. My first year in High school.

Looking back on it now I can say I had no clue on what I was doing, I remember trying to make them more like song lyrics because I use to want to start a band back then (I actually was in three bands but that's another story for a later time).


Here is a few that I wrote out of the total of 33 for the year, don't laugh to hard, these are really old and I was young and clueless (ok..ok..I'm still cluless... ). If you want to see them all, well... I"m trying to think of a good set up for my new website and they will be there once done.

** These are copied and pasted form the original files -- Forgive the all caps on some.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BLIND

You fool!
How can you help someone
When you can’t even help yourself
Just remove the log out of your own eye
Before you remove the speck that’s in your brother’s eye

Why won’t you open your eye’s
To see the truth
It’s in front of your face
Just don’t be blind
Especially by yourself

Yeshua want’s you now
Just don’t fight it
You know it’s the right way
Yahweh wants to care for you
You know there’s no other way
With this sightlessness

Why won’t you open your eye’s
To see the truth
It’s in front of your face
Just don’t be blind
Especially by yourself

Don’t think I’m a hypocrite
I do the best I can
Why won’t you do the same?
And just think of him

Why won’t you open your eye’s
To see the truth
It’s in front of your face
Just don’t be blind
Especially by yourself

Just don’t be blind to the light
You know you got to open your eyes
Don’t be afraid
Just open your eyes
And don’t be blind

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Words of Honor

You open your mouth
To someone or something
After the fact has happen
After the fall has fallen

Do you understand this?
Do you comprehend it?

Glory, hope, life, liberty, peace, bravery, diligence, valor
These are words of honor
Systematically spoken, spent, done.

You win big with these
Still not enough for you
So you carry on
With what you do

Do you understand this?
Do you comprehend it?

Glory, hope, life, liberty, peace, bravery, diligence, valor
These are words of honor
Systematically spoken, spent, and done.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

SEPERATION

COME BACK TO THE WAY YOU ONCE WERE
COME BACK TO HOW IT ONCE WAS
INVICIBLE, UNSTOPABLE
WHAT HAPPEN TO US

DIFFERENCES IN THOUGHTS
TEAR EACH OTHER APART
DIFFERENCES IN MINDS
TEAR FRIENDSHIPS AWAY

WORDS EXCHANGED
WORDS THAT HURT
WORDS THAT DAMAGE
WORDS THAT SCAR

COME BACK TO THE WAY YOU ONCE WERE
COME BACK TO HOW IT ONCE WAS
INVICIBLE, UNSTOPABLE
WHAT HAPPEN TO US

DIFFERENCES IN THOUGHTS
TEAR EACH OTHER APART
DIFFERENCES IN MINDS
TEAR FRIENDSHIPS AWAY

ACTION PUSHED OUT AND OVER TO
ACTIONS THAT BRUSE
ACTIONS THAT BREAK
ACTIONS THAT SHATTER

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

P.A.P

Preachers against preachers
People against people
I’m sick of all this fighting
I’m sick of all this war
It’s all too much for me

Preachers against preachers
Men of the cloth not true believers
Those fuss and fight
And think they’re right
All they want
Is to get rich quick
And condemn us all
As lunatics

People against people
Preachers against preachers
It’s just too much for me
I’m sick of all this war
It’s all too much for me

People against people
Those of you who watch t.v.
And get these racist views
Against you and me
And fight for what
They think is right
Without reason
To believe it’s not truth

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Comments

You ask the same questions
But I have different answers
You don’t believe in differences
Of each other’s point of views

Don’t you tell me I am wrong
Don’t you tell me you are right
You know you have to
Find the answers yourself

Don’t you do it alone
You need some one too
To give you another point of view
On what you are facing now.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Best Site Ever!

I seriously was laughing my ass of looking at most of these!

http://lolcats.com/

Rain rain... go the F**()(* Away!!

Ok it's the end of November and I live in WI.

Where is my three feet of snow dammit!

I'm sick of this rainy weather we are having.

I love cats...especially funny pics of them

A repost...

~~I posted this to a different blog, but not everyone could see it... I was reading it and I still feel the same way today eve though this was written a few months ago.~~


I was sitting here during my lunch at work reflecting on a few things going on in my mind. My mood is pretty even keeled but it got me remembering something from my past.

A few years ago I stopped writing. I use to be a pretty prolific writer of poetry and short stories. To this day I have no idea why I stopped but one thing is certain that I still remember some of the poems I wrote. Sometime ago on a whim I submitted an old poem I wrote to poetry.com for a contest and was one of the fortunate people to get the poem published that year because of it. It was really cool to have that happen.

Funny thing is that the poem I wrote started to go through my head while I sat here thinking so I though Id share it with all of you.



Its pretty close on to how I feel at the moment about all thats happening in my life.



Lollipops and Red Balloons

It comes and goes
This feeling of insecurity just grows
The pain and hurt
Passes by when I try to find the cure


When I was a boy I never dreamed
Of these kind of days
Adults never knew why
We didn't try to understand life through their eyes
Nothing ever mattered to us but candy and smiles


Lollipops and red balloons
Sleeping in until almost noon
Nothing seemed to phase me in those days
Not a care to damage me in any way
But now it seems that I'm too aware
Of what my surroundings are here
In my room alone. . . .

Jason E. Brewer
Copyright ©2006 Jason E. Brewer




This poem is a reflection of how I felt when looked back on my life after reaching a troubling period of my life and how I turn to my childhood memories for solace in troubled times. It was not until that point in my life that I realized why adults try to tell children about responsibility in the hopes to better prepare them for the ups and downs that come with adulthood. As children, we only want to have fun but as we grow older we realize that life is not all about having fun.




Here is a direct link on poetry.com: http://www.poetry.com/Publications/display.asp?ID=P5368229&BN=AAI&PN=1

So I finaly made this....

I've been trying to make one of these for a few years now. Just goes to show you that I tend to forget some things and it takes me a ling time to get back to them.

Yeah I'm using a wysiwyg blog editor... I'm to busy to really make one that suits me better.


Not that I think many people will be by to read this... (yeah for pessimism!!)

However I just wanted to have a place to put up random stuff so here I am.